Fast and the Furious 9

I saw this movie on Friday afternoon at a half filled AMC theatre near the beach. I decided to have a family night at the movies featuring my mom, who’s a sucker for the action genre of cinema. Fast forward to the middle of the movie and my mom had fell fast asleep. That should offer you some insight into how “awesome” this movie is going to be.

I know, I know, I complain yet I’m a small part of why this movie holds the biggest opening of 2009. Well, fuck I review the movies in hopes that you’ll read the reviews and avoid wasting your hard earned bucks. My sacrifice to my 2 loyal readers.

The movie opens with a hijacking scene, that is pretty much wholly featured in the trailer. We are reintroduced to 2001’s hottest stars, Vin “One Note” Diesel, who does his best buff guy, scruffy voice as “Dominic” the misunderstood buff good hearted rebel. He lacks the timeliness and appeal of Dwayne Johnson and yet he has redeemed himself with this huge box office, I am chagrined. The movie is a story of revenge and reunions.

*SEMI SPOILER ALERT*

The untimely death of Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) forces Dominic to infiltrate the organization of reknowned drug runner Campos (John Ortiz). Now Dominic is still on the FBI most wanted list, so this means F.B.I. agent Brian O’Connor(Paul “Poor Man’s Keanu Reeves” Walker) has to infiltrate the organization to catch Dominic, who he let escape 2 movies ago. Don’t forget Mia (Jordana Brewster), Dominic’s perpetually tanned, hair banged sister, who had a lusty fling with O’Connor. Now you have the perfect recipe for a kick ass sequel right? No, actually you’re horribly wrong and so was this 90 minute movie that felt as long as Pirates of the Caribbean:At World’s End.

This movie will make a better video game or P. Diddy music video than live action feature. With a maximum of 4 chase scenes, 2 of which were riveting, there was far too much screen time for the main characters to fill with their bad acting from their soft generic scripts. Lots of homo eroticism, loads of references to nitrous, and plenty of throwback references to 2001’s “Fast and the Furious” which I only remember well enough to say that it was the best in the series. That’s kinda liked preferring to drown over being burned to death. Harsh decisions. The special effects were good but belonged in “Twisted Metal” as opposed to a blockbuster movie.

I resigned that I am not within this movie’s demographic.I will say that the ten minutes of trailers before the movie, including “Transformers”, “Land of the Lost”, and “Star Trek” were the best part of this theater experience. At least it gave me something to look forward to besides the ending of this movie which is sure to spawn a 5th installment. Thanks mom.