Wolverine, your #1 movie, a laugh riot cliche riddled hot mess.

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Holy crap, America’s number one movie is the funniest movie of the year. Raawwwwwrrrrr!! Xmen Origins: Wolverine, is the story of James Logan (Wolverine/Hugh Jackman) and Victor Creed (Sabretooth/Liev Schreiber), brothers, who after delivering some accidental patricide run away, grow up and fight in several wars. You see, these brothers are a little different in that they both possess mutant powers and rock hard bodies. They’re brutality catches up with them and they wind up in jail, where they are offered immunity if they agree to join a military task force which, unbeknownst to Logan, has the sole purpose of hunting down other mutants. He wants no part of killing innocent people, so he decides to abandon ship, which pisses off  Sabretooth who decides to go rogue and kill everyone that gets in his way. 6 years and one disturbing murder later, Logan is brought out of retirement, the government injects him with metal which makes him indestructible and he’s ready to take revenge.

A few bright lights in this film for me were as follows; lots of baby oiled six packed men roaming around shirtless, Ryan Reynolds and his charming quips,and realizing that Hugh Jackman is actually a good actor. Now for the bad stuff. Take every single action movie you’ve ever seen and compile every cliched line ever written, and fuse that into every unnecessary CGI effect ever created, say hello to your #1 movie.I shook with laughter for 80% of this movie because I couldn’t believe the shit that Jackman and Schreiber were forced to say with a straight face. It felt like it was happening on purpose but after awhile you realize that this movie has been re cut 80 times for a reason, they were trying to edit a heart  into it. Half the movie you feel like you’re watching Wolverine the Video Game, and the other half you think you’re watching one of those spoof flicks the Wayans brothers are so fond of making. The score is preposterously unsubtle, Wolverine’s love interest is completely dead behind the eyes rendering their chemistry nonexistent.

Ryan Reynolds is Deadpool

Ryan Reynolds is Deadpool

Sadly the only beacon of heart in the movie  is Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. They seemed to let him, his body, and comedic timing speak for itself in the 10 minutes he gets onscreen. Perhaps they should think about doing an X-Men Origins for Deadpool after th 2011 Magneto is released. A shining star amongst a movie filled with one dimensional characters, a twisty unsavory plot, a cajun character with a San Diego accent, and Sabretooth, who could’ve doubled as a vampire or sewer rat. I defy you stars.

x_men_origins_wolverine_xlg1

Oh the claws. The bloody awful claws, one would think that in 2009 CGI effects would lend themselves to creating something a little more authentic. The claws were a shade of grey one notch to light and it looked more and more like a scene from the movie, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”. I  know it’s a comic book movie but I sometimes feel like I can never enjoy another comic book movie because of  “Dark Knight”. It raised the bar for both action movies and comic book based movies and until Nolan’s next go at the franchise, I feel sad about watching anything directly correlated wth a graphic novel.

“Wolverine” was a C- level comic book based action movie. It did not deliver.  For a movie that was not trying to break new ground, the screenplay and abuse of score and CGI murdered any of its potential. The actors did what they could and I thank them for that but this was so far from the original 3 X-Men  movies that it got awkward after awhile.

Lastly, I waited until after the credits to see the bonus scene that they cut into the movie, so that people wouldn’t illegally download the movie on the internet. Unfortunately they wound up every theater a different scene. For spoilers sake, I won’t divulge, however from what I’ve read, I got the shitty scene, which was a perfect ending to this movie going travesty. You want a good unintentional laugh and the chance to watch a moving Playgirl spread, then by all means catch this at a Monday matinee. Poop.

1. Wolverine- $87 million

2. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past-$16 million

3.Obsessed- $12 million

4. 17 again- $6.36 million

5. Monsters vs Aliens $5.8 million

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About Danger Bowie

I love movies/writing/cake.* I hope you enjoy my superfluous rants and urban observations. *Order subject to change depending on the day of the week.

Posted on May 4, 2009, in Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Jesus Christ

    This movie is allowed to be stupid. If you saw any of the promos you would see that the veins in Hugh Jackmans arms are the basis for the whole movie. Ryan Reynolds tried to get arm veins like that and ended up with like 10 minutes of screen time. This is America people. You need big arm veins to go anywhere in this country… Silly Australians.

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