In the Danger Bowie household, Robert Pattinson holds legend status for consistently choosing the most offbeat roles and making every one of them compelling.
So, in honor of his birthday, I’m assembling a post-apocalyptic survival team made entirely of Robs. Some might save me. Some will probably get me killed. All are legends.
1. Mickey Barnes – Mickey17 (2025)
In this masterful Bong Joon Ho film, based on the novel Mickey7, Pattinson plays a disposable clone sent on deadly missions to ensure humanity’s survival.
Pros: Literally cannot die. Loyal, naive and equipped with all the knowledge of his past selves. Excellent cannon fodder if things go south and a charming accent to boot.
Cons: Bit of an outcast. Would need me to navigate sticky social situations, which is not ideal. Also, I might grow too attached to one of the version, only to lose him to like an alien attack.
Survival Rating: Very high — for both of us.
2. Bruce Wayne – The Batman (2022)
In this supremely emo take on Gotham’s favorite brooder, Pattinson plays a younger, angrier and eyeliner-loving Caped Crusader.
Pros: Tactical genius. Owns multiple vehicles, night vision tech and probably a reinforced panic room. Would quietly patch me up after I get mauled by the Penguin or the Riddler or both. Once he runs out of gadgets, we could just hole up in the Batcave until supplies run out.
Cons: Won’t eat or sleep. Overthinks everything. Will definitely stare at me in the dark without blinking. Monologues about justice while cleaning blood off his gloves.
Survival Rating: High, but I’d need to find us a therapist, which could prove tricky.
3. Edward Cullen – Twilight (2008)
In this supernatural romantic drama, Pattinson plays an immortal vampire with super strength, mind-reading powers, glittering skin and a habit of lurking ominously in bedrooms.
Pros: Super fast, super strong and impervious to basically everything. I don’t sleep, so I get 24/7 protection and someone to have existential talks about morality with while I collect food to eat. Sparkles in sunlight, which, post-collapse, could help signal allies or blind enemies. If the Earth isn’t too far gone, I could ask him to turn me.
Cons: Bella would definitely get weird about me being around all the time, and I do not want to stir up post-apocalyptic drama with a codependent vampire couple. Also, Renesmee and Jacob’s imprinting situation is extremely awkward, and I’m not sure how of it I can handle it.
Survival Rating: High-ish. He’s physically invincible, so I’d be protected, but he’s also emotionally dicey.
4. Neil – Tenet (2020)
In Christopher Nolan’s temporal spy thriller, Pattinson plays a charming, scarf-wearing time traveler with a fuzzy moral compass and a better watch than you.
Pros: Can literally bend time. Will hand me a bullet and say, “You already shot it,” like it makes sense, and it will (after he explains time inversion to me for the 80th time). Unbothered by nuclear threats, probably because he’s already survived them. He somehow knows me to my core, but I can barely recall meeting him for the first time. Great suits.
Cons: You’ll never know if he’s your friend or just fulfilling a paradox. Will gaslight you gently with quantum physics.
Survival Rating: Off the charts. You’ll live, but be forever confused.
5. Eric Packer – Cosmopolis (2012)
In this slept-on David Cronenberg surrealist drama, Pattinson plays a billionaire CEO whose world unravels during a chaotic day in his limo. As his empire crumbles, he battles existential dread while trying to hold onto his wealth and power.
Pros: Likely has access to an underground bunker stocked with luxury supplies and resources to keep me comfortable for a while. Can be a valuable ally with his powers of manipulation and problem-solving skills from business school.
Cons: Could lose it when traditional forms of capital lose all meaning. May spiral into madness, becoming more of a liability than an asset. Might piss off bunker staff who may evict him (or worse) if he becomes too unsufferable or attempts to hoard precious supplies.
Post-Apocalyptic Value: High-end living… until his self-destructive behavior rears its ugly head.
Honorable Mention: Ephraim Winslow – The Lighthouse (2019)
In this black-and-white spiral into madness from Robert Eggers, Pattinson plays a young lighthouse keeper slowly unraveling alongside Willem Dafoe’s bearded sea daddy.
Pros: Very comfortable in even the most maddening circumstances and total isolation. Will absolutely club a seagull for you. Knows how to make stew, and I love me some stew. Though I imagine stew meat would not be readily available when things hit the fan. In any case, we’ll scour the globe for beef broth, ground chuck and carrots together.
Cons: Delirious half(or more) of the time, and becomes belligerent when he drinks alcohol. Might accuse me of stealing the rations and then challenge me to a drinking contest with turpentine.
Survival Rating: Low, but our joint descent into madness would be poetic. Hell, I might even see my first mermaid.
Danger Bowie 
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