South Park is like fine wine

Season 13 episode 2 "The Coon" click on picture to view episode
Season 13 episode 2 "The Coon" click on picture to view episode

Going into Season 13 of the beloved controversial “South Park” you may wonder where can the guys go from here? Well fear not originality because if episode 2 of Season 13 is any indication then South Park is getting better with age.

Entitled “The Coon”, the episode stars with Cartman running around in downtown South Park at nighttime dressed like a giant raccoon. His voice over chimes in on crime, black presidents, Cartman’s city is a whore and he must save her. The Coon is the symbol his city needs. An obvious rip on “The Watchmen”, “Dark Knight” and “The Spirit”, Trey Parker and Matt Stone kick it into high gear, adding a rival hero “Mysterion” just to steal Cartman’s thunder and piss him off in the process.

Highlight of the episode would have to be “Coonicon 2009” a convention Cartmen throws in honor of his vigilante self, where he sits in a hotel banquet room filled with “Coon” merchandise and propaganda but not one single guest shows up. The hotel concierge steps in to thank him for his continued business, this being the hotel where he threw the Ginger Pride Convention and the AIDS benefit, and Cartman flips out.

Cartman is "The Coon"
Who is "The Coon"?

South Park has remained topical, funny, but most importantly timely. While The Simpsons struggle for relevance, Family Guy fights to be rude and crass, South Park holds the honor of keeping with the times and staying true to its cause. Watch South Park above all else, not because Cartman wants you to, but because it’s what your city needs.

Twilight Releases at Midnight?

Rob Pattinson GQ
Rob Pattinson GQ

The sexiest 22 year old alive and the most hyped movie release of 2008 are coming back for more at midnight. Twilight releases on DVD in 45 minutes and retail chains all over are hosting midnight release parties, well mainly Borders books, Hot Topic, and Claire’s. The streets will flood with teenage girls, their boy cut undies across America will…no…that’ll be too far. Somewhere someone will get pregnant after watching this with their tween boyfriend. I will review the movie and it’s DVD extrasas soon as I get a copy but for now I’ll leave you with a few Pattinson pics just to boost my ratings.

Twilight DVD cover
Twilight DVD cover

And a little more…rob-pattinson-chair

and..edwardand finally Pattinson brooding at the Oscars..

rob-oscars

Year One. I can’t wait.

Michael Cera and Jack Black Image:sony pictures
Michael Cera and Jack Black Image: Sony Pictures

Nacho Libre and George Michael Bluth in a movie about cavemen wandering through biblical times? Okay, if I could just have that bag of magic mushrooms back from you,writer/director Harold Ramis, then we can move on to your next pitch. That’s my reimagining of the pitch meeting for this movie.

Opening June 19th “Year One” is the story of two hunter gatherers who are essentially exiled from their village and their journey through ancient times. Described by star Jack Black as , ” a biblical comedy about the Old Testament featuring stories from the Torah told through Agnostic, sort of eyes..”

The movie is going to be amazing. Directed and co-written by Ramis (Caddyshack), Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky (“The Office”) . Produced by Judd Apatow. Featuring  appearances from David Cross, Paul Rudd, Oliver Platt, Vinnie Jones, Hank Azaria, and McLovin’. Yes yes and yes.

The ultra religious are going to have a field day cockblocking this movie.  I was a sceptic but after diligent research and watching the trailer 6 times in a row, I’ve decided that I am all in. Probably twice. Check out this teaser trailer and get converted.

Howl be damned.

James Franco walking in New York
James Franco walking in New York

Filming started Monday in New York for the movie “Howl”. The film, a reenactment within a documentary,  centers around Allen Ginsberg’s obscenity trial for the publishing of his poem entitled “Howl”, which addresses sexuality, specifically homosexuality and illicit drug use. A reenacted documentary with high profile stars is a great idea. “Milk” went with a documentary feel and that turned out fantastic, so I’m interested to see the editor execute this one.

James Franco in trouble
James Franco in trouble

Rounding out the cast are: Paul Rudd, Mary Louise Parker, and Alan Alda. I wonder if there’s a lot of pot being circulated through their trailers, I mean the stars of “Pineapple Express”, “Weeds”, “Mash”, and “Role Models” making a serious flick together almost merits a weed session in Parker’s trailer as they attempt to get to the heart of their characters while noshing on Powerbars and Jamba Juice.

Franco is an interesting casting choice to play Ginsberg, who was remembered as a portly bearded gent. Franco will be portraying the young Ginsberg, pictured below.

Young Allen Ginsberg image: Dlackey.org
Young Allen Ginsberg image: Dlackey.org

I can see the resemblance. They’re both white men who smoke and wear black rimmed glasses. Resemblance aside, here comes an Oscar nod for Mr. Franco and I can’t wait for that acceptance speech.

What is that smell?

Knowing
Knowing

Oh I know! Yet another box office turd from Nicolas Cage.

Here’s some premise for ya:  A teacher(Cage) unearths a time capsule that holds a book that makes some predictions, some that have occurred and others that are in the process of happening, this leads him to believe that his family plays a role in the events that are about to go down, and then I imagine it’s time for  4-6 slow motion sequences of Nic and his mane saving the motherf’in world.

If you have a full tank of gas, a $10 bill and you’re masochistic, get in the car and head straight for your local theater to watch Nicolas “whatthehellhappenedtomeafter1997?” Cage in “Knowing”  being released like a rabid monkey into theaters today.

Nic Cage in "Thinking about my mane"
Nic Cage in "Thinking about my mane"

The reviews are pouring in and the word on the street is that this movie is poo. Join me in imagining a world where Alex Proyas, director of “The Crow”, “Dark City”, and now “Knowing” magically makes an amazing disaster movie starring Nicolas Cage, and it turns out to be a cinematic tour de force, reviving Nic’s career and restoring balance to this crazy world.

Dream on folks, I ain’t waking up Halle Berry tomorrow and Nic Cage ain’t going to wake up being Will Smith. He will continue his reign as the king of flop and I will have more fodder for my glorious site.

If you’re smart and bored this weekend, head down to your local superstore pick up a copy of “Face Off” watch it 3 times and maybe then you’ll begin to understand the reason that Nic Cage can still obtain any type of film role in today’s society.

If you want to know what movie to shell out your recession bucks for this weekend, then it’s  “I Love You, Man” all the way. You’ll laugh your ass off and if you take a date you’ll get laid after, it’s that good.

I predict it to take the weekend box office in a big way.

Salma Hayek to join the cast of what?!

Salma Hayek
Salma Hayek

Adam Sandler’s untitled project slated for release in  2010 has just added Salma “Boobs Maloy” Hayek to it’s all star comedy  roster which includes; Chris Rock, David Spade, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Maya Rudolph and ..hold on this can’t be right..Colin Quinn? I guess resurrecting the ghosts of Saturday Night Live circa 1995 could make for a funny movie.

The movie is about a group of childhood friends reuniting on the fourth of July. Salma will play Adam Sandler’s wife. Adam Sandler may be one of the most cunning men in Hollywood. The man who looked like this:

"Bobby Boucher"
"Bobby Boucher"

And don’t forget this jewel:

"Lil Nikki"
"Lil Nikki"

has managed to kiss the following leading ladies (in his movies, that is)\

Bridgette Wilson , Julie Bowen, Drew Barrymore , Winona Ryder, Kate Beckinsale, Fairuza Balk, Marisa Tomei, Tea Leoni, Joey  Lauren Adams, Patricia Arquette(hot in “Lost Highway), Emmanuell Chriqui (Entourage chick), Emily Watson,Paz Vega, Liv Tyler, and Leslie Mann.

Grossing almost $1 billion dollars at the box office, keeping the career of Rob Schneider alive for 15 years and slipping the tongues to ladies?

I’d like to see Jimmy Fallon attempt to do 1% of any of that.

But Colin Quinn? Seriously? Okay.

I believe in you Sandler.

You got me good with “Synecdoche, NY”

"Paranoia shrink wrapped as art" the movie
"Paranoia shrink wrapped as art" the movie

By now, any true film aficionado knows their redundant role when it comes to the ominous works of Charlie Kaufman. He only creates original, awe spiring masterpieces that leave you perplexed as you sit in the Java House sipping your  triple shot non-caf soy latte from unnaturally large mug. discussing his genius could take hours if not days and you are  better person for having witnessed this cataclysmic cinematic explosion breathe it’s life all over your film screen at the Arclight.

synecdochenewyork

Snap out of it fool. This 124 minute opus to paranoia and death obsession was beautifully shot but played out terribly. Now I don’t need everything to be spelled out for me, I enjoy deciphering the meanings of intelligent films. I love it when a filmmaker uses the medium to open up a dialogue  inside the viewer, aiding the exploration of concepts and ideas, that might otherwise go untapped.  Film speak aside, for the first half of this movie,Charlie Kaufman you get a C+in this class.

“Synecdoche, NY” is about Caden (Philip Seymour Hoffman)  who is struggling to be a relevant play director, trying to maintain the women in his life, and dealing with hypochondria, extreme morbidity, and paranoia. Subtle cuts and editing techniques are used as devices to trigger emotions in the film viewer but theses images and actions are too abstract to strike a chord. All the women in Caden’s life (Michelle Williams, Catherine Keener, and Samantha Morton) are emotional wrecks, and what starts off as a cute neuroses becomes an utter annoyance to watch. Perhaps this movie was made for the average white nerotic male writer but unlike Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine, or Being John Malkovich this movie  refused to offer me something to identify with.

The second half of the movie has all the heart but I couldn’t be redeemed. The characters truly go from worst to worse and it took me over 3 hours of pausing and making excuses before I forced myself to actually finish it. Torture. Guantanimo Bay style. Sad reflections are presented and I began to attempt to root for Caden but I felt depleted.

I am truly saddened that a movie I was looking so forward to seeing offered me little to no incentive for my viewership. I’ll probably have to watch it a second time because there might be a lot to be uncovered in this film puzzle.  Maybe next time Kaufman. There’s always next time.

Harry Potter, my how you’ve grown…

Mr. Harry Potter
Mr. Harry Potter

Hi, or ‘ello to all you Potterheads out there. Here’s a new still from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for your pleasure. In  keeping with my jailbait theme, I’d like to point out that Mr. Radcliffe is growing up quite nicely but I’ve always been a bigger fan of Rupert Grint.

Rupert Grint a.k.a "Ron"
Rupert Grint a.k.a "Ron"

Director David Yates says that, “This is the sex, drugs and rock’n’roll one.”Well, Yates promises, promises, promises.

What a tagline for the movie of the year. Sorry “New Moon”. The movie releases on July 17th, 2009. If you can’t wait til then, click on the Radcliffe picture above and enjoy the trailer for the next 4 months!

Push On Green Hornet! Controversy sells!

Seth Rogen and Anna Faris at South by Southwest
Seth Rogen and Anna Faris at South by Southwest

“”We have no 100% official Kato at this point.”said a svelte Seth Rogen at the SXSW film festival in Austin , Texas this weekend in regards to the “The Green Hornet” film he will star in eventually The geekosphere is going batshit crazy over this news but I can not turn my back on a movie to be helmed by the great Michel Gondry and starring Seth Rogen. Casting, schmasting it will be the most entertaining flick to arrive in the summer of 20- -?

the-green-hornet-photograph-c10103089

They should start collecting video for archival footage for the DVD extras,  because the “will they? won’t they?” media coverage is going to guarantee a big opening weekend and an even bigger cult following. A fool is the geek who dare question the power of controversy, where, like the world of masturbation, a little goes a long way.

Miss March: Prepare to lose respect for Danger Bowie

Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore. Image by Frank Masi
Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore. Image by Frank Masi

I am fully aware that I hold an enormous bias for this movie because I adore the comedy troupe the two main stars hail from. I was first introduced to “The Whitest Kids U’ Know” when it debuted on Fuse, an alternative basic cable channel that has since evolved into MTV2. Yuck. For their second season the show moved to the independent movie channel, which sucks for me because you have to pay extra for that channel and I am the working poor, so our relationship had to end. After a year long  break up with Trevor and Zach, much to my delight,  they penned a disgustingly crass, morally repugnant movie featuring Craig Robinson, my absolute favorite, entitled, “Miss March”.

Whitest Kids U' Know
Whitest Kids U' Know

This movie absolutely tanked this weekend and will probably air on Comedy Central by April Fool’s Day. Yet I’d still watch this movie four more times before even considering going in on “Watchmen” again. At least “Miss March” knows it’s a bad movie. Doctor Manhattan..ha.

So the movie’s about a kid who slips into a 4 year coma only to wake up and find out that his virginal high school girlfriend is the Playboy of the month centerfold. He then goes on a cross country trip to the Playboy Mansion with his completely irrational best friend since childhood to reunite with his long lost love.

Now buyer beware, if you want morality, substance, or logic then NEVER watch this movie. If you love dick, fart and sex jokes then this movie was made for you. It is filth that your girlfriend will abhor you for laughing at, an abomination to which  critics pray to their pagan gods so that your eyes may never bare witness, however if you’re having a shitty day at work or you’ve got that weight of the world on your shoulders feeling ,then this is the dipshit comedy wet dream you’ve long awaited.

Block out his ridiculous dialogue and love on the fact that Trevor Moore speaks almost exclusively through unneccessary facial movement and in that way he’s the poor man’s Jim Carrey. I’ll be burned at the stake for that statement, it’s kind of a  longshot comparison but  he’s at least 25% better than Jamie Kennedy on his best day.

Zach Cregger plays the virginal main character “Eugene” and he is fantastic in the role. Playing the straight man in this bizarro universe must have proven difficult especially when going up against Craig Robinson who uproariously plays the hardcore gangsta rapper “Horsedick.Mpeg”. I refuse to spoil even one of the movie’s jokes, just know that the last scene with Horsedick is fucking priceless and worth the cost of admission alone.

In conclusion, feel free to hate on this movie but there’s at least a laugh in it for everyone I know and that’s more than can be said for the last 15 spin offs of National Lampoons …well anything.