Salma Hayek to join the cast of what?!

Salma Hayek
Salma Hayek

Adam Sandler’s untitled project slated for release in  2010 has just added Salma “Boobs Maloy” Hayek to it’s all star comedy  roster which includes; Chris Rock, David Spade, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Maya Rudolph and ..hold on this can’t be right..Colin Quinn? I guess resurrecting the ghosts of Saturday Night Live circa 1995 could make for a funny movie.

The movie is about a group of childhood friends reuniting on the fourth of July. Salma will play Adam Sandler’s wife. Adam Sandler may be one of the most cunning men in Hollywood. The man who looked like this:

"Bobby Boucher"
"Bobby Boucher"

And don’t forget this jewel:

"Lil Nikki"
"Lil Nikki"

has managed to kiss the following leading ladies (in his movies, that is)\

Bridgette Wilson , Julie Bowen, Drew Barrymore , Winona Ryder, Kate Beckinsale, Fairuza Balk, Marisa Tomei, Tea Leoni, Joey  Lauren Adams, Patricia Arquette(hot in “Lost Highway), Emmanuell Chriqui (Entourage chick), Emily Watson,Paz Vega, Liv Tyler, and Leslie Mann.

Grossing almost $1 billion dollars at the box office, keeping the career of Rob Schneider alive for 15 years and slipping the tongues to ladies?

I’d like to see Jimmy Fallon attempt to do 1% of any of that.

But Colin Quinn? Seriously? Okay.

I believe in you Sandler.

You got me good with “Synecdoche, NY”

"Paranoia shrink wrapped as art" the movie
"Paranoia shrink wrapped as art" the movie

By now, any true film aficionado knows their redundant role when it comes to the ominous works of Charlie Kaufman. He only creates original, awe spiring masterpieces that leave you perplexed as you sit in the Java House sipping your  triple shot non-caf soy latte from unnaturally large mug. discussing his genius could take hours if not days and you are  better person for having witnessed this cataclysmic cinematic explosion breathe it’s life all over your film screen at the Arclight.

synecdochenewyork

Snap out of it fool. This 124 minute opus to paranoia and death obsession was beautifully shot but played out terribly. Now I don’t need everything to be spelled out for me, I enjoy deciphering the meanings of intelligent films. I love it when a filmmaker uses the medium to open up a dialogue  inside the viewer, aiding the exploration of concepts and ideas, that might otherwise go untapped.  Film speak aside, for the first half of this movie,Charlie Kaufman you get a C+in this class.

“Synecdoche, NY” is about Caden (Philip Seymour Hoffman)  who is struggling to be a relevant play director, trying to maintain the women in his life, and dealing with hypochondria, extreme morbidity, and paranoia. Subtle cuts and editing techniques are used as devices to trigger emotions in the film viewer but theses images and actions are too abstract to strike a chord. All the women in Caden’s life (Michelle Williams, Catherine Keener, and Samantha Morton) are emotional wrecks, and what starts off as a cute neuroses becomes an utter annoyance to watch. Perhaps this movie was made for the average white nerotic male writer but unlike Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine, or Being John Malkovich this movie  refused to offer me something to identify with.

The second half of the movie has all the heart but I couldn’t be redeemed. The characters truly go from worst to worse and it took me over 3 hours of pausing and making excuses before I forced myself to actually finish it. Torture. Guantanimo Bay style. Sad reflections are presented and I began to attempt to root for Caden but I felt depleted.

I am truly saddened that a movie I was looking so forward to seeing offered me little to no incentive for my viewership. I’ll probably have to watch it a second time because there might be a lot to be uncovered in this film puzzle.  Maybe next time Kaufman. There’s always next time.

Harry Potter, my how you’ve grown…

Mr. Harry Potter
Mr. Harry Potter

Hi, or ‘ello to all you Potterheads out there. Here’s a new still from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for your pleasure. In  keeping with my jailbait theme, I’d like to point out that Mr. Radcliffe is growing up quite nicely but I’ve always been a bigger fan of Rupert Grint.

Rupert Grint a.k.a "Ron"
Rupert Grint a.k.a "Ron"

Director David Yates says that, “This is the sex, drugs and rock’n’roll one.”Well, Yates promises, promises, promises.

What a tagline for the movie of the year. Sorry “New Moon”. The movie releases on July 17th, 2009. If you can’t wait til then, click on the Radcliffe picture above and enjoy the trailer for the next 4 months!

Push On Green Hornet! Controversy sells!

Seth Rogen and Anna Faris at South by Southwest
Seth Rogen and Anna Faris at South by Southwest

“”We have no 100% official Kato at this point.”said a svelte Seth Rogen at the SXSW film festival in Austin , Texas this weekend in regards to the “The Green Hornet” film he will star in eventually The geekosphere is going batshit crazy over this news but I can not turn my back on a movie to be helmed by the great Michel Gondry and starring Seth Rogen. Casting, schmasting it will be the most entertaining flick to arrive in the summer of 20- -?

the-green-hornet-photograph-c10103089

They should start collecting video for archival footage for the DVD extras,  because the “will they? won’t they?” media coverage is going to guarantee a big opening weekend and an even bigger cult following. A fool is the geek who dare question the power of controversy, where, like the world of masturbation, a little goes a long way.

Miss March: Prepare to lose respect for Danger Bowie

Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore. Image by Frank Masi
Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore. Image by Frank Masi

I am fully aware that I hold an enormous bias for this movie because I adore the comedy troupe the two main stars hail from. I was first introduced to “The Whitest Kids U’ Know” when it debuted on Fuse, an alternative basic cable channel that has since evolved into MTV2. Yuck. For their second season the show moved to the independent movie channel, which sucks for me because you have to pay extra for that channel and I am the working poor, so our relationship had to end. After a year long  break up with Trevor and Zach, much to my delight,  they penned a disgustingly crass, morally repugnant movie featuring Craig Robinson, my absolute favorite, entitled, “Miss March”.

Whitest Kids U' Know
Whitest Kids U' Know

This movie absolutely tanked this weekend and will probably air on Comedy Central by April Fool’s Day. Yet I’d still watch this movie four more times before even considering going in on “Watchmen” again. At least “Miss March” knows it’s a bad movie. Doctor Manhattan..ha.

So the movie’s about a kid who slips into a 4 year coma only to wake up and find out that his virginal high school girlfriend is the Playboy of the month centerfold. He then goes on a cross country trip to the Playboy Mansion with his completely irrational best friend since childhood to reunite with his long lost love.

Now buyer beware, if you want morality, substance, or logic then NEVER watch this movie. If you love dick, fart and sex jokes then this movie was made for you. It is filth that your girlfriend will abhor you for laughing at, an abomination to which  critics pray to their pagan gods so that your eyes may never bare witness, however if you’re having a shitty day at work or you’ve got that weight of the world on your shoulders feeling ,then this is the dipshit comedy wet dream you’ve long awaited.

Block out his ridiculous dialogue and love on the fact that Trevor Moore speaks almost exclusively through unneccessary facial movement and in that way he’s the poor man’s Jim Carrey. I’ll be burned at the stake for that statement, it’s kind of a  longshot comparison but  he’s at least 25% better than Jamie Kennedy on his best day.

Zach Cregger plays the virginal main character “Eugene” and he is fantastic in the role. Playing the straight man in this bizarro universe must have proven difficult especially when going up against Craig Robinson who uproariously plays the hardcore gangsta rapper “Horsedick.Mpeg”. I refuse to spoil even one of the movie’s jokes, just know that the last scene with Horsedick is fucking priceless and worth the cost of admission alone.

In conclusion, feel free to hate on this movie but there’s at least a laugh in it for everyone I know and that’s more than can be said for the last 15 spin offs of National Lampoons …well anything.

Andy Samberg; your host for the evening

Andy Samberg photo courtesy andysamberg.us
Andy Samberg photo courtesy andysamberg.us

It was announced this week that Andy Samberg will host the MTV Movie Awards airing May 31st on well, MTV. I’m excited and disappointed all at once. On one hand, Andy and his parody songs will make an appearance and possibly save this crappy 8 hour too long infomercial for Lil Wayne’s jazz cd, but on the other this could make the honorable Andy Samberg take an MTV reknown dank fall from funny, like Jimmy Fallon.With fingers crossed we’ll get to see an amazing opening sequence featuring a certain Mr. NSYNC and a box covering his genitals dance around to a faulty r&b track called, “Dick in a Box” or maybe we’ll listen to 6 minutes of him roasting Paris Hilton and Octo-Mom, while I vomit in sheer disgust.

I think I’ll just TIVO this beauty of a show, get drunk and watch it on rewind. That way we all win.

“Where the Wild Things Are” the Movie

where_the_wild_things_areWhen I first heard that Spike Jonze was adapting my favoritest child’s book into a movie, I messed myself but then I felt regret. Damn Catholicism.

This type of book to film translation thing has not always been the best executed idea in the business but I have hope that the director of the Beastie Boys, “Sabotage” video will do us proud. I am anxiously awaiting the trailer but until then I’ll sit in the blue glow of my computer screen softly caressing my Max plush toy. I am not a pervert.

Good day sir.

“Real Time” is real good

Jay Baruchel and Randy Quaid in "Real Time"
Jay Baruchel and Randy Quaid in "Real Time"

You know kids, it’s plenty easy to get jaded by the thousands of crap movies disguised as indie genius. Sometimes you get lucky and pick a good one on a fluke or sometimes you’re luck is shitty. In the case of “Real Time” written and directed by Randall Cole, starring Jay Baruchel (“Tropic Thunder”) and Randy Quaid (Brokeback Mountain) you get a solid, clean cut, rare indie gem.

Clocking in at about 77 minutes, you get a nice conversational character study with laughs provided by Baruchel and reality checks paid for by Quaid. Baruchel plays “Andy”  a gambling screw up, who owes a lot of money to the wrong people. Quaid plays “Reuben” ,a hit man ,who finds Andy at 1:47pm on a weekday in a shitty part of Canada and let’s him know that unless he pays up his excessive debt he will die by 3:00pm. The movie plays out in real time per the title and what Reuben wants above all else, is for Andy to spend the last hour of his life reflecting and revisiting any worthwhile joys he experienced in this small shit town.

You’ll think you’ve guess the ending in the first 10 minutes but more than likely you’ll be wrong. Take care to enjoy Baruchel’s comedic timing and effective dramatic scenes and then drink up Quaid’s Aussie accent and pseudo James Gandolfini-esque spirit.Don’t rush ahead for the ending and you’ll find that this little film won’t disappoint. Danger approved.

Milk it ’til the last drop Hardwicke!

Twilight: the Director's Notebook
Twilight: the Director's Notebook

Catherine Hardwicke, famously stepped down from directing the Twilight saga in the beginning of November much to the devastation of young vamp-agers everywhere. No one knows the real reason behind the split but one can almost assume it was Kristen Stewart’s mouth acting. Just Kidding.

Catherine started off her career as a production designer in notable films such as “The Newton Boys” starring Skeet Ulrich, “Three Kings” and “Tankgirl” starring the honorable Lori Petty of “Pointbreak” fame. She then went on to direct “Thirteen” a disturbing look at surburban teenaged girls and the “Lords of Dogtown” an awesome memoiry look into the world of the guys who innovated skateboarding.

Rob Pattinson looking cold
Rob Pattinson looking cold

Now with the smash box office success of “Twilight” some genie granted Catherine one final teen mania wish and decided to publish the notes she took while directing this “masterpiece”. “Twilight: the Director’s Notebook is being released in bookstores, Hot Topics, and Claires everywhere. Enjoy everything from costume design to locations, but most importantly with 15 million shots of “It” boy Rob Pattinson this “book” is assured to please the Twi Hards and sell at least a few thousand units to other pre-adolescents. The Twilight merchandising train will chug on toward the March 21 DVD release of the movie to end all movies: “Twilight”. Also available in Blu-ray for 8 times the price.

I’ve included a hot shot of Robby Pattinson so more people will read my blog. Cheers.

Aww, he's just like us, he has pit stains..:)
Aww, he's just like us, he has pit stains..:)

“Duplicity”, a duplicate?

Duplicity featuring Clive Owen and Julia Roberts
Duplicity featuring Clive Owen and Julia Roberts

Arriving in theaters this Friday (yawn) is the action packed (stretch), corporate spy caper starring Clive Owen and Julia Roberts. (Snore). So it only took the big studios 5 years since  the arrival of “Mr. and Mrs Smith” to figure out that sexy spy movies featuring Hollywood A-Listers can make you a buck or two. Tsk Tsk. This movie is what happens when “Ocean’s Eleven” has a drink with “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” .

Check out a brief synopsis of “Duplicity” per IMDB.com:

“A pair of corporate spies who share a steamy past hook up to pull off the ultimate con job on their respective bosses.”

(Yawn) Rich, beautiful and boring. At the end of this film, the hero will ultimately wind up donning a Buena Vista Social Club straw hat while wearing white pants as he walks down a white sand beach sipping a pina colada, at the bottom of the frame a glowing Julia Roberts will embrace him, in her darling bikini top and sarong. The music will cut in as the credits begin to roll following a tight shot of Roberts gaping million dollar grin. Okay Hollywood how about you pay me $10 million and I’ll have the sequel ready for you by August? I guesstimate “I Love You Man” to win this weekend’s box office with “Duplicity” trailing along in spot number three. Maybe I’ll eat my words but it doesn’t matter because in the end Mrs. Julia Roberts always wins.