From boys to men: Danger Bowie’s countdown for equality

Ray Nicholson and his dad Jack
Ray Nicholson and his dad Jack

I sat through the countdown until the Olsen twins turned 18 years old. Then it was Lindsay Lohan’s turn. I just visited the site featuring the countdown to Miley Cyrus big 1-8 and I’m done with it. Why is it okay for men to countdown the mere moments until underage girls reach the garden of 18 years of consensual age, and I get deemed inappropriate for inquiring about Mr. Nick Jonas’ big day?

I’m not gonna take it anymore. Equality for all, I’m shouting in this, the age of Obama, the beginning of reason and hope, Danger Bowie is gonna count down a couple of her very own magical birthdays.

Pictured above, Raymond Nicholson, Jack’s youngest son. He just turned 17 on February 20, 2009 but fear not ladies there’s only 341 days away between you, Ray and jail time.

And last but not least with a solid 549 days until this cutie pie hits adulthood…

Mr. Nick Jonas

Nick Jonas at Dodger stadium
Nick Jonas at Dodger stadium

Aww my darling Nicki, soon.

With that out of my system, I resolve to not go as far as to use disgusting objectifying adjectives to describe any lustful way a lady could feel about these boys because I am but a notch better than the men who started the aforementioned  lady countdown sites. I will from time to time keep all the females alerted of where the clock lies but until our day comes, we lie in the shadows, waiting patiently. Controversy is thick in the air, and I can’t get enough of it.

Hark, I say!

Equality for all!

Long live male and female adolescent to adulthood countdowns!!

Seth Rogen, Sex Machine

Seth Rogen pictured with Pinocchio
Seth Rogen and Pinocchio

Seth Rogen is gracing the cover of the April 2009 issue of Playboy with Jason Kidd’s girlfriend. Seth is only the 9th guy ever to be on the cover of one of the most prolific nudie magazines. While Kidd’s girlfriend shows off her curds and whey in the middle of the mag, Seth gives an amazingly candid 8 page interview that is a must read if you happen to be a fan. I love Seth Rogen, so much so that I was vaguely aroused upon purchasing this beauty of a magazine pictured below, 2 weeks ago.

Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, and Seth Rogen
Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, and Seth Rogen

This delicious pic-gasm is just one of the main  reasons to champion these dudes. They lived next door to you, they played video games at the mall arcade, they masturbated to anime in the 11th grade, this guy really wanted to take you to Prom but couldn’t work up the nerve. Now look at them, guaranteed success at the box office and in the pants of a Playmate but they could care less because in the end the nerds win. Hope has arrived for us all. Three cheers for sweet revenge.

Happy Birthday Taylor Hanson!

Jordan Taylor Hanson+2
Jordan Taylor Hanson+3

26 years ago on this glorious day God gave us Taylor Hanson. Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Taylor is the second child of Diana and Clarke Hanson. The future would prove that Mr. Taylor Hanson would never come second again.

In May of 1997 when Hanson  blew up the scene, a young alternative rock loving 14 year old Danger Bowie removed her Tuesday underwear and they were secretly Hanson’s for the keeping. To the chagrine of her mother/supplier, Danger became engulfed in Hanson mania. Isaac, the older brother, with a face he was still growing into, was my absolute favorite. My cat’s pajamas. Pictures of his giant horse head adorned my walls and my heart. Taylor was my best friend Haley’s favorite brother but I would have a secret menage a trois in my head on Saturday night’s with him and Isaac or Ike as I affectionately called him.

Hanson in bubbles
Hanson in bubbles

I have no idea where Haley is now and my secret musical tastes only have eyes for the Jonas Brothers, which makes me not only a pedophile but the biggest traitor this side of  “MMMBop”.  Yet I will never forget the pure raw desire that I felt as I listened to their breakout album “Middle Of Nowhere” . It ignited a disgusting underdeveloped stream of lust, a high that I chase to this day at 26 years old. So I want to say to you Taylor Hanson, one third of the truest group to my heart; You can stop looking for the love because it’s right here. Now please walk away before you get me pregnant because as it turns out you Hansons are some baby making motherfuckers.

This just in: Hathaway is great in “Rachel Getting Married”

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Racgel Getting Married
Rachel Getting Married

Anne Hathaway is a good actress. I never believed these words would come out of my mouth but after viewing her Oscar nominated performance in “Rachel Getting Married”, I was turned out. The movie is the story of Rachel, a young woman who has been in and out of rehab for the past 10 years, returning home for the weekend to attend her sister’s wedding.

A former American Idol contestant, “Ella Enchanted”, “Mr Noodle” from “Sesame Street”, the lady from “Terms of Endearment”,  and the lead singer of “TV on the Radio” all appear in this movie and it works really REALLY well.  My initial  shock after viewing the movie in it’s entirety is the amazing casting. Kudos to Tiffany Canfield and Bernard Telsey for choosing a multi-ethnic and believable group of actors as well as extras, all of whom are necessary to this flick.

Going through emotional hell with this dysfunctional family on the tension express was enthralling. So rare that addiction, love, family, and death can be dealt with so eloquently in a movie. The wedding is a perfect spectacle, like nothing you’ve seen in any movie or real life.  You want to be apart of it, the togetherness in beings so completely separate.

Live music is used to guide you through the happiness and peril these characters are faced with. I’ve read in several places that the infamous table scene is one to look  out for but I was still taken aback  by my severe reaction. Spotlighting over 10 different characters in one of the most  pivotal scenes to the film, the emotional roller coaster straps you in. Sadness, embarassment, happiness, love, loss, desperation, jealousy, angst and tenderness are all tapped in, during this extended glimpse from the wedding rehearsal dinner. I have never been more uncomfortable watching a movie as I was during a certain point in that scene. It was excruciating. Hard to believe it only took the screenwriter  Jenny Lumet, 7 weeks to write this amazing character study.

Now I refuse to spoil any bit of this movie because it deserves at least one full uninterrupted viewing by everyone in Danger’s opinion. Remember that life is left unresolved more often than not and there won’t be any disappointment. You will find a character to relate to, there will be at least one note of music that you love, and you’re eyes will glaze over for at least a second, even if you won’t admit it to anyone.

Bravo. Anne Hathaway. Bravo.

They all float down here. “It” to be remade for Sci Fi channel

pennywise I can barely type having to look at this horrific picture. The Sci Fi channel is working on a remake of the popular horror movie “It”. The original movie adapted from one of horror writer Stephen King’s finest works, was the scariest movie a young Danger Bowie had ever seen. The basic premise courtesy of IMDB.com is as follows; Seven youths set out to defeat a demonic creature, Pennywise which dresses up in a clown suit and terrorizes a 1960’s town in Maine.

Let me just say that just having this picture on my website is going to give me night terror for weeks to come. When I first saw this movie, I was a nine year old kid who proceeded to round up my siblings, pack my possessions into my Keroppi backpack and run far away so that Pennywise wouldn’t get us. I would shiver when walking on the curb for fear of the storm drains where “It” lurked. I broke out in sweat when I saw red balloons. And clowns, fucking forget about it. My parents laughed it off as cute but I was dead serious. I wanted out. It took months of parental brainwashing to convince me that this monster did not want to kill and eat me. Now at 26 years old, only 2 fictional characters give me the heebie jeebies: Freddy Krueger and Pennywise.

Jonathan Brandis
Jonathan Brandis

As far as a remake goes, dear Sci Fi channel please please please leave this classic alone. For a movie made 19 years ago, it holds the test of time.  While also boasting one  of the more dynamic casts a horror movie had to offer. Jonathan Brandis, my childhood favorite and co-star in “It” took his life several years ago. John Ritter, one of the funniest guys around and another co-star in “It” passed away a few years ago. That means the movie must be cursed so leave well enough alone. Stick to making movies with giant man eating pterodactylls and earth invading mega aliens. But this one, please let “It” rest in peace

Savage Grace. Oi Vey

savageposter

They must’ve known this story did not need to unfold cinematically from the moment they started adapting the second act. Starring Julianne Moore, Eddie Redmayne, and Hugh Dancy this film could’ve been shot for a quarter of the price and turned into a saucy Showtime Red Shoe Diary episode.

This dramatization of the Barbara Baekland murder in 1972 features Moore as Barbara, a charming cultured American socialite who is more intrigued by entertaining her social circle than being a caring mother or wife. Her husband Brooks played by a stoic always fleeting Stephen Dillane, leaves her for their son Tony’s ( Redmayne) prospective girlfriend. Girlfriend theft aside, Tony doesn’t care as it’s revealed that he is gay and only wants acceptance and love from a father who can’t get away fast enough.

Spoiler Alert.

Barbara hires Sam (Dancy) a gay escort, to act as Barbara’s perpetual dinner date, easing her back into the social circle that gawk and gossip about Barbara’s divorce. Sam winds up screwing Barbara, then Tony screws Sam. Then 2 scenes pass and they wind up having a threesome. Yes, she sleeps with her son. Pulling the old Oedipus card, nice.

Sam gets freaked out and leaves. A couple scenes later Barbara walks into the living room where Tony is hanging out, proceeds to engage him in chitty chat, during which she seduces, straddles and totally does it with him. 1 scene and a half later he starts bitching about some dog collar he can’t find, he finds it in the kitchen, realizing she hid it, he stabs her, calls the cops, orders Chinese food, grubs and then holds the dead body until the cops come.

Then the movie ends. The title cards are used to let you know what happened to Tony afterward and I’m left sitting on my couch with my jaw on the floor. What was that? The first 45 minutes was all soft porny, followed by 30 minutes of incest and then capped off by matricide. I didn’t care about Tony because Redmayne played him unneccessairly numb and snarky. I cared about Moore for the first 15 minutes but then she started to become a cartoon. I tried to figure it out, to see where it was going, but it could be summed up as a true story that probably reads a lot better than it played out on the big screen. You want a good nasty shock, watch “Oldboy”, wanna feel a little bit ashamed of yourself? Then by all means, Savage Grace is for you.

Sex Drive. Straight to Video? Apparently not.

sex-drive

This movie comes highly recommended from my stoner friends and that may be saying it all here folks. The undeniably tired genre of teen comedy is practically put to bed in this forgettable buddy flick. The few laughs courtesy of Clark Duke ( check out clarkandmichael.com, 10 minute webisodes featuring Clark and Michael Cera of “Superbad” fame, will make you laugh repeatedly) are not nearly enough to keep this turd afloat.

clarkandmichael

James Marsden (who can’t really catch a break in Hollywood ever) plays the quintessential bully older brother “Rex” who probably chugged18 Red Bulls to appear super hyped during each scene. In the lead acting position is Mr. Josh Zuckerman playing “Ian” is mind numbingly bland, so much so that I felt like he was still in shock that he got the lead during the filming of this cookie cutter “bro” comedy.

Urged by Lance (Duke) to steal Rex’s car so that he could drive one state over to lose his virginity to his internet girlfriend whom he’s never met, Ian heads out on the road trip from hell with Lance and Felicia, Ian’s attractive female best friend who likes Lance but Ian likes her, and she might like Ian but they’re best friends since the first grade and she doesn’t want to ruin that. A lot going on huh? Isn’t it funny how people in movies are always best friends since they were 2 months old? I don’t know anyone from 1st grade, I can only assume they went on to graduate from grade school to pursue a life of crime. I can’t waste another molecule of energy hating this movie so I’ll sum it up short and sweet. Shenanigans ensue, a couple sight gags and a completely predictable ending later, “Sex Drive” left me completely flaccid.

REVIEW: Vicki Cristina Barcelona

vicki-cristina-barcelona

I’ll begin by saying that I am in no way a Woody Allen connoisseur,  but I’ve enjoyed the few works of his that I’ve had the chance to watch:  “Annie Hall”, “Matchpoint”, and the delightful but dark “Cassandra’s Dream”. I went into this movie with only a vague knowledge of the plot. Well  I really only knew that Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kissed each other and that Ms. Cruz’ performance scored her an Oscar nod. From the previews I had surmised that it was some time of road trip movie where 2 girls fall for the bad guy from “No Country for Old Men”. I was a little wrong.

V.C.B is a 96 minute comedy starring Scarlett Johansson-Reynolds (is anyone acknowledging that yet?) Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem and Rebecca Hall (who is good in the movie but doesn’t even have a photo attached to her I.M.D.B page) as a horny bunch of coming of agers. ScarJo and Rebecca fly to Spain to spend the summer finding themselves. Rebecca is engaged to the perfect man, uber responsible and future minded, while ScarJo is a single, impulsive free spirit. They are shown around Spain by Rebecca’s uncle and aunt, whom they are staying with. They happen upon Bardem at an art gallery. ScarJo is immediately enthralled and finds out Bardem is a painter with a certifiably insane ex-wife and more charm than a Blow Pop. They  encounter each other after the art show at a local restaurant and Bardem invites the 2 ladies to an island to eat drink and make love. Temptation is offered and partially pursued, Penelope enters the picture and lights a firecracker on the screen. Her performance, a pertinent one to this film, was not in my opinion the best supporting female role of 2008. That being said, this movie is a solidly entertaining, filled with charm, variety and a cast that is fit to captivate even a non believer. I wouldn’t put Vicki Cristina Barcelona in your top slot but it has definitely earned a space in your Netflix queue.

I Love YOU, Man

I Love You Man
I Love You Man

For whatever reason, I randomly called KROQ fm on Tuesday morning to attempt to win  a  4 pack of tickets to the premiere of “I Love You Man” starring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd.  This attractive duo  from the comedy mafia led by Seth””marry me please” Rogen, are killing me with the anticipation of watching this potentially insanely hilarious movie.

I never win anything ever but I wound up winning those tickets and being 2 minutes late for work. Neuroses. Long story short, soiled myself with the possibilities of occupying the same theater as these guys  and proceeded  to gloat my good fortune in the face of anyone who would listen. The premiere is Tuesday the 17th and if I don’t get arrested for attempted rape or kidnapping, I shall share my unique experience with you, the inter-web . Hell, with those criminal charges under my belt, I may as well be a NFL quarterback.

House of D, and I’m done.

houseofd Now I will be the first to admit that I have a major dvd buying compulsion.  I own hundreds of  dvds and easily half of those I’ve never seen and a better portion of those are still in their original packaging. Back in the early 2000’s toward the end of Blockbuster’s reign, I perused their section of previously viewed dvd’s on a weekly basis. I’d spend $25 bucks every Friday and leave with a little white yellow and blue bag filled with upwards of 5 used but otherwise in good condition movies. Of those 5, I would watch one and throw the rest into my dvd bucket in the corner of my room.

The times they changed and so did my responsibilities so like any good 26 year old with rent to pay, I purchased my very own Netflix subscription. For $13.99 a month I can watch as many movies as I want but only 2 at a time. Only problem is the returning of said movies.  I find it to be as difficult as killing a newborn kitten to physically remember to return these movies. I manage to send back my movies once a month on average, meaning that I am spending $14 bucks a month to rent 2 movies. My name is Desiree and I am a sloth.

Then on a  day like today, after practically taking a lynching at the office, I get home with some Chinese takeout and decide that I want to be entertained cinematically. I saunter over to my makeshift library and I select a lesser known David Duchovny directed movie entitled ” The House of D”.

The cover reflects a few name brand stars with credible work, Robin Williams, Tea Leoni, David Duchovny, and Anton Yelchin and that’s pretty mucha recipe for a good hour and a half of entertainment. I throw the disc into my electric pink dvd player and snuggle into my Transformer blanket as the credits begin to roll.

The movie is of the coming of age variety. Kid has a bad childhood, a few horrible events follow him into adulthood and he  must revisit his painful past if he wants a brighter future.  I sobbed like a bitch for maybe 45 minutes of this heart wrenching film. It played like a shocking prediction. I was too shocked to see this obvious about to occur. Robin Williams was great as “Papass” a  mentally challenged man. Actors playing the ubiquitous mental retardation role for the Oscar nod should be smited. Duchovny (director, actor) was stoic and snarky per usual, even Tea Leoni was good as the single mom with the world on her shoulders. However, Mr. Anton Yelchin stole the movie and a tiny portion of my perv heart. He put a realness, warmth and empathy into a run of the mill movie. Erykah Badu was amazing and necessary, providing the movie’s much needed edge factor. I fully recommend this movie if you want to drop a few tears  or if you want to join the Anton Yelchin train. Not a bad ride. Wow I employed a lot of critique cliches in this post. How gauche.

Anton Yelchin Robin Williams
Anton Yelchin Robin Williams