“Life’s barely long enough to get good at one thing. So be careful what you get good at.” -Detective Rust Cohle.
Matthew McConaughey is good at acting. The man knows how to deliver a line and a great Oscar speech. He also plays a mean bongo drum. Let us celebrate the birth of the man who gave us 12 months of tremendous performances in gems like Interstellar, True Detective, Dallas Buyers Club and the most parodied Lincoln car commercial in the history of car commercials. May the McConaugh-ssance continue for years to come.
I had to triple take IMDB this morning. Matt Camden from 7th Heaven—or Barry Watson as his parents named him— turned 39 today. Seriously, I used to get the (Teaching Mrs.) tingles watching this guy every Monday night as the bible thumping Matt Camden on 7th Heaven.
See kids, Barry Watson was the original Taylor Kitsch.
He was the first notable incarnation of John Carter——brooding, dark eyes, shoulder-length Vidal Sassoon-ed hair. Barry was a demi-god back in ’96. I’m not sure why his star did not continue to rise after 7th Heaven left the air, but he was the champion reason why I bought BOP! magazine back in the day. Wherever you are Barry, just know that Taylor Kitsch owes you a round of drinks and pair of sneakers because without your heart-throbbing success, he could’ve never battleshipped his way into America’s heart.
I sat through the countdown until the Olsen twins turned 18 years old. Then it was Lindsay Lohan’s turn. I just visited the site featuring the countdown to Miley Cyrus big 1-8 and I’m done with it. Why is it okay for men to countdown the mere moments until underage girls reach the garden of 18 years of consensual age, and I get deemed inappropriate for inquiring about Mr. Nick Jonas’ big day?
I’m not gonna take it anymore. Equality for all, I’m shouting in this, the age of Obama, the beginning of reason and hope, Danger Bowie is gonna count down a couple of her very own magical birthdays.
Pictured above, Raymond Nicholson, Jack’s youngest son. He just turned 17 on February 20, 2009 but fear not ladies there’s only 341 days away between you, Ray and jail time.
And last but not least with a solid 549 days until this cutie pie hits adulthood…
Mr. Nick Jonas
Aww my darling Nicki, soon.
With that out of my system, I resolve to not go as far as to use disgusting objectifying adjectives to describe any lustful way a lady could feel about these boys because I am but a notch better than the men who started the aforementioned lady countdown sites. I will from time to time keep all the females alerted of where the clock lies but until our day comes, we lie in the shadows, waiting patiently. Controversy is thick in the air, and I can’t get enough of it.
Hark, I say!
Equality for all!
Long live male and female adolescent to adulthood countdowns!!
26 years ago on this glorious day God gave us Taylor Hanson. Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Taylor is the second child of Diana and Clarke Hanson. The future would prove that Mr. Taylor Hanson would never come second again.
In May of 1997 when Hanson blew up the scene, a young alternative rock loving 14 year old Danger Bowie removed her Tuesday underwear and they were secretly Hanson’s for the keeping. To the chagrine of her mother/supplier, Danger became engulfed in Hanson mania. Isaac, the older brother, with a face he was still growing into, was my absolute favorite. My cat’s pajamas. Pictures of his giant horse head adorned my walls and my heart. Taylor was my best friend Haley’s favorite brother but I would have a secret menage a trois in my head on Saturday night’s with him and Isaac or Ike as I affectionately called him.
I have no idea where Haley is now and my secret musical tastes only have eyes for the Jonas Brothers, which makes me not only a pedophile but the biggest traitor this side of “MMMBop”. Yet I will never forget the pure raw desire that I felt as I listened to their breakout album “Middle Of Nowhere” . It ignited a disgusting underdeveloped stream of lust, a high that I chase to this day at 26 years old. So I want to say to you Taylor Hanson, one third of the truest group to my heart; You can stop looking for the love because it’s right here. Now please walk away before you get me pregnant because as it turns out you Hansons are some baby making motherfuckers.