My favorite man from Essex, Mr. Russell Brand, announced today that he would be returning as the host of the MTV Video Music Awards in September. He is still acknowledging his affections for the virginal Jonas Brothers. “I want them to play at my wedding, which, if there’s any justice in the world, will be to one of them. One of the older ones.”
I can only hope that Brand, now a bigger star in America since his last VMA hosting stint, takes the crass to the next level. For that matter, it wouldn’t hurt if he lost the clothes and did a naked tribute to Michael Jackson. I might even watch the whole telecast for that bit.
26 years ago on this glorious day God gave us Taylor Hanson. Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Taylor is the second child of Diana and Clarke Hanson. The future would prove that Mr. Taylor Hanson would never come second again.
In May of 1997 when Hanson blew up the scene, a young alternative rock loving 14 year old Danger Bowie removed her Tuesday underwear and they were secretly Hanson’s for the keeping. To the chagrine of her mother/supplier, Danger became engulfed in Hanson mania. Isaac, the older brother, with a face he was still growing into, was my absolute favorite. My cat’s pajamas. Pictures of his giant horse head adorned my walls and my heart. Taylor was my best friend Haley’s favorite brother but I would have a secret menage a trois in my head on Saturday night’s with him and Isaac or Ike as I affectionately called him.
I have no idea where Haley is now and my secret musical tastes only have eyes for the Jonas Brothers, which makes me not only a pedophile but the biggest traitor this side of “MMMBop”. Yet I will never forget the pure raw desire that I felt as I listened to their breakout album “Middle Of Nowhere” . It ignited a disgusting underdeveloped stream of lust, a high that I chase to this day at 26 years old. So I want to say to you Taylor Hanson, one third of the truest group to my heart; You can stop looking for the love because it’s right here. Now please walk away before you get me pregnant because as it turns out you Hansons are some baby making motherfuckers.